Wednesday, 1 December 2021

The Overcoming

I had actually forgotten that I used to blog (lol).

Well, I disconnected to reconnect I guess.

I am currently on a break! Work break. My official reason is a physical and mental health crisis, but primarily they were the mental health issues that worsened my physical health to a point where 'quit to live' was the only choice I had.

Anyway, since my break commenced, I have been receiving several compliments on being brave enough to do this. Overwhelming. And that also makes me realize that many of us wish to take these breaks but don't.

Why?

Understandably, some are probably the primary breadwinners for their family, or dealing with a financial crisis. Fair enough. But, I have also come across many, literally 'many' people who are reluctant to take work breaks as either they fear too much, or because they need a better than a better life, competitive lifestyle, tons of desires to fulfill ASAP. Again, fair enough.

Matter of fact, they say 'Money can't buy happiness' but money can buy tickets to places, delicious food, and many luxuries, which pretty much makes us happy. Just that, sometimes weighing needs to be done on what's more important. This time, my health and peace weighed more.

Just like many of us, myself and my husband perform our corporate duties to live a decent life. 

It has been 4 months of my break now, and after about 2 weeks of not-logging into my work-mails, strong emotions of guilt, fear, uncertainty and worthlessness started popping. The guilt of not earning while still spending, the fear of missing out on the market and being left behind, the uncertainty of even being considered or being discarded in the professional atmos, and questioning my self-worth as success is measured by profiles and packages primarily. That is how we are raised right? Score high marks, be the first rank holder, find a job that pays well, at least pays better than your cousins and neighbors. Right?

Well, these emotions still knock my brains sometimes, but now less often. They are gradually getting replaced by gratitude, and self-love. Sounds like any other "trending statement" on the internet, but it means a lot. A hell lot! I am so freaking blessed to be able to live peacefully while not having a constant flow of salary. That however, comes with many compromises of materialistic desires, which I was scared to make. 

Now coming to 'Self-love'; it is way too underrated. It is very easy to like and connect with people, it is also easy to find people with matching vibes, but it is extremely hard to love oneself. We find flaws very easily, unknowingly we spot them more often in ourselves, even when we think we condemned somebody else. Finding the bright corners within, is very tough and worth every sacrifice.

Since the last two months, I have been doing all that I always wanted to. Nothing, yet a lot!

I have joined music classes to refresh my long-lost voice, I'm painting, making crafts, binge-watching, getting to do regular exercise without any mail or WhatsApp popping every 5 minutes, dancing when I feel like it, spending time with my cat and noticing how loud he can purr. Can't believe I never noticed. And there are days when I feel like doing nothing, and just do it! 

All these months have made me realize HOW BADLY stress can affect oneself. Stress caused me insomnia, chronic health issues, anxiety, demotivation, agitation and what not. If I would have continued, I would probably have done worse to myself and the organisation as well.

I am still uncertain and fearful of what lies ahead. Who would want me after a long gap? How much am I missing out in the digital space? What kind of roles will I be offered next? Will I have to deal with a compromised package? Will my job be the only thing defining my success? ....Will this break cost me a lot? Maybe. Maybe not. But what I have right now, is incredible and I will cherish every minute of it.

Like I said before, disconnecting to reconnect is how it works. 'Rest' is as important as hard work. Take it when you can. It may come at a cost, worth paying.

Hope you all have a healthy and happy week.
Hope I be back stronger and level up my game in the corp-space.
Felt like sharing...

Cheers!

Sunday, 17 September 2017

Poha (पोहा)


















कुछ दिनों से घर में मायूसी सी है
बारिश भी तेज़ हो जाती है आवाज़ों के साथ
जैसे की हामी भर रही हो
न जाने क्या सुन लेती है
के घर में कोई बोल नहीं रहा

मेज़ पे रखा पोहा ठंडा हो गया
कच्ची मूंगफली पड़ी है उसमें
उसे नहीं पसंद
वो अनार के दाने और चिप्स जैसी चीज़ें
खा लिया छांट के
बाकी रखा हुआ है बाद के लिए

वो मूंगफली जानते नहीं
के बाद कभी नहीं आता

अगर आता तो आज मैं पापा के साथ
ऍफ़ एम् सुनते हुए, रिमोट छीनते हुए,
बारिश देखते हुए,
पोहा खा रही होती :)

Monday, 14 March 2016

I Have Been Shot















I have been shot.
One bullet at a time.
Till the piercing felt fine.
The legs went weak and numb.
What an innocent crime.

I have been shot.
Oft at the softer fold.
The bed cramming noises untold.
The mystery mornings, bargain.
And the soul was sold.

I have been shot.
Sharp pain in the spine.
The shadow of a friend from behind.
The blue rolling over the red.
A lesson of a kind.

I have been shot.
Straight in the rib pot.
The curious beats in a rhythmic rot.
The bleeding love spitting insolence.
Albeit half-dead on spot.

I have been shot.
Twice to utterly blur the view.
The wound patently impossible to sew.
The blinking pauses for an eternal sleep.
Now dreams would be few.

I have been shot.
Conclusively for the good.
The comfortably numb, there I stood.
The calculations and wisdom silenced.
Death has never been rude.

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Context - As the shot from a bullet hits the skin and pierces deep into the flesh, all in a flash. Yet the pain is slow and growing with each moment, until numb. Maybe you relate to the hurt parts of your body and soul where the bullets (people/situations/emotions) have hit you. On you to interpret the rest. You shall heal or you shall halt.
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Tuesday, 15 December 2015

|| सुरंग ||



















काफ़ी वक़्त बीत गया ये सोचते हुए
के शुरू कहाँ किया था खुद को छुपाना

बड़ी गहरी खाई बनाई थी, बरसों के मेहनत से
पर भूल गये थे बाहर का रास्ता बनाना |

अचानक कुछ पत्थर गिर गये, चौंका दिया हमें
बड़े उदास रहे कुछ देर, 
के शक़ल बिगड़ गयी बसेरे की

फिर कहीं से रोशनी सी आने लगी
आंखें बंद कर ली तुरंत हमने,
के आदत हो गयी थी अंधेरे की |

हम लड़खड़ाए, फिर उठे, उस तरफ बढ़ने लगे
तो दिखने लगे वो आज़ाद ख्वाब, जो कभी मुमकिन से लगते थे

दोबारा सुराक ढूँडने लगे उन नादान मंज़िलों की तरफ
जिन्हे हासिल करने के वादे, किन किन से करते थे |

जब चलने लगे इतने साल बाद उस सुरंग से बाहर
तो महसूस हुआ के पैरों में ज़ॅंग सी पड़ गयी हैं

हम खुद ही को बाँधे थे, इन ज़ंजीरों में
जो आज भार में बहुत बढ़ गयी हैं |

नही चल पाए आख़िर एक बार फ़िर
और कोसते रहे पत्थरों के गिरने को...

सबेरे तो कभी भी पसंद नही थी हमें

बस मिराज होती हैं रोशनी, भरोसे के लायक नहीं |

मालूम है रात आ जाएगी फिर कुछ घंटों में

ये ज़ंजीरें भी फिर से दिखाई नही देंगी

पर अब डर लग रहा है सुबह होने का

के वो बंजर उम्मीदें फिर परेशान करेंगी

बात हौसले की नही, फ़ैसलों की है

के कुछ हम करते हैं, कुछ ज़िन्दगी |

कभी मुक्कमल दोस्ती हमारी याद आई तो
वो पत्थर फिर से डाल जाना दोस्त,

सो तो हम जाते हैं रोज़ हिसाब करते हुए

नींद आए मगर बड़ा वक़्त हो गया |

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Adopt The Abhorred



This post is coming out of nowhere. Perhaps some videos & articles I have been reading about how stray animals or abandoned animals are somehow trying to survive their fate.
Human is the demon. but human is the angel too.
All those who love animals, feel like having a pet or funding for them... Whoever like animals and earn enough to give them some love, food and shelter, please ADOPT.


Do not always go for Persian cats, rated well groomed dogs & showstopper animals. I understand its your pet & you have your big choices & fancy desires. But please. Stop for a minute and think, what if your own pet was on the streets, eating plastics, drinking gutter water, been thrown stones & shoes, feeling cold... or getting under a car... Many are facing the fate everyday.


Your one adoption, one rescue, one little piece of humanity would be a great deed. Human is a weird species. We are right now trying to serve the earthquake victims. We did for the terrorist attack victims. We did for the Tsunami victims. But there are many animals, who are facing calamities everyday. Media won't cover them. They can't talk or post on social sites.

You see them. Try to do your bit. And please stop throwing plastics and stuff. If you don't love animals much & can't help them, at least make it a better place for them to live in.
And lastly, all the love you give to them; they shall return in infinite abundance to you.


"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated"

Wednesday, 4 September 2013


UnLaMeNtEd !!


 Walking on the streets like millions do, No better dressed than the rest of you,
 Hastening jobs I turned my back, & placed my bags on the regular rack...   
   
 Felt captured by fears of losses & pains, Being preventive of injuries,        
 I lost myself somewhere in the crowd, But tied up in boundaries...        


 Don't Stop me now __ Let me shout off my troubles...   
    Don't Notice me please __ Let me cry out my heart...        
       Don't let me Fail __ As and when I try...            
          Don't make me bother __ Of the words I lie...

Let not my dreams go to dawn, Don't point me out from the crowd I tie...
Such Unlamented I wish to Live ... Such Unlamented I want to Die






Sunday, 18 August 2013

Revealing the Despaired - God’s Graveyard !!

I have been having some frequent thoughts about something I had witnessed several times… & learnt. So, here I start with 'the something' today!

Hindus (specially) worship ‘Idols’. I do not wish to confer much with the pros & cons of the same. I rather value this ‘Idol worship’. It is as simple & acceptable as, a human brain needing an image or shape to frame up the positive power or the supernatural power (as you term it), that is performing the routines of each living being, each moment, each place, seasons, nature, planet, universe… Fine enough! Acceptable!

Nor it is mandatory for anyone to believe in the Idols of Lord Vishnu/Shiva/Durga/Saraswati/Ganesha etc. It is not at all required to go to Temples, Mosques or Churches to show your devotion or faith. You visit the places to either ask for something or in fear of God or to just put an attendance for an anonymous reason, isn't it? Anyways, even that is not the topic here. It is cool to practice anything, till it makes you feel good (inside) & is not any big trouble for others.

What I am here concerned about is; if one is worshiping any matter… say a paperweight or a candle or an Idol… Would a person not feel devastated to see the worshiped substance in a pathetic display?? …As if rotten or smashed?? Or faded?? Or broken?? Or eaten up??


The highlight here is “Disposal”!!! The same Idols of God are disposed in several ways after the rituals have been performed. The most common & practiced method is “Visarjan” i.e. to deliver the sculpture (Idol) to water… Rivers & Ponds. But there is another practice, on-going since long in India, which is of disposing the Idols over deserted road-sides, farms, back-yards, lake-sides, under trees & other similar spots.  This is a very common practice in Assam (Silchar, Guwahati & other cities)

Now what happens to these Deities?? With the stroke of time, they start deforming. The Idols standing aloof on numerous corners of the towns face rain, ignorant animal’s toy, storm & other but-obvious accidents!  They get faded, discolored & de-shaped. Some Idols are found lying absurd by some hit, some have their bulging eyes melted in rain, some are found even covered by animal shit!

My question is: ‘Why worship the Deities to disgrace & dis-respect the sole purpose of their being?’

With the city growing, the number of worships & rituals are equally pacing. These include social, national as well as personal rituals performed in Business establishments, Marriages, Home inauguration etc. And later the Idols are left on road-side, or near a drain or under a tree, till it gets disposed itself.
This is making the cities highly polluted & moreover – UGLY!!

We can witness hundreds of TV commercials to keep city clean, to reduce pollution. Even the major celebrities like Amir Khan, Salman Khan, and Amitabh Bachhan, everyone pledging & pleading for the same… But to whom?

Tradition & Religion is not bad. But a traditional practice that leads to hideous consequences & display is of course not welcomed. A religion leading to abuse of other religion or riots is surely not fascinating. An orthodox practice, in the name of ‘Dharma’ that causes pollution & cons of worship is definitely not pleasing. Lots of ‘Morale’ & ‘Science’ is blabbered for Hindu practices, but 'Science can prove disasters too!'

And it is not about Idol worship or about Hindus! Muslims too, bow down to a black rock, that is again symbolization, an Idol. The Jewish pray to the west wall. Christians sing to Jesus & Merry statues… All this is Idol-worship. But the particular ill-effect I am talking about is something to bother!

I have live witnessed the after-ritual scenes in Silchar last to last year. It is terrifying, sad & creepy!

We need to figure out ways. Perhaps a ground can be allotted with degrading slots, to deliver the deities post-rituals. By the arrival of the next festival, many plots would be already decomposed to absorb a new deity. This is a mere suggestion from my side... Even NGOs are taking actions to collect the deformed Idols from roads to offer a better disposal.

Yes, I won’t even skip the other part: Disposal in Rivers. Let me talk about the most sacred river “Ganges”. Ganga flows through several highlighted cities like Kanpur, Soron, Varanasi, Patna, Ghazipur, Bhagalpur, Mirzapur, Buxar, Rishikesh, Haridwar & some more. Today, over 29 cities, 70 towns & thousands of villages extend along the banks of Ganga.

Let me talk about the most highlighted, known as the oldest city of India, the city of temples, the holy city ‘Varanasi’.  Ganga has been playing a major role of attraction & faith over the city. The river water is worshiped as ‘Maa Ganga’ (Mother Ganges) with flowers & leaf-diyaas floating, fire-prayers (Agni-Aarti) is regularly offered & indeed it is a spectacular view to attend on the Ghat-edges.

But ‘Divinity comes with Sanity’ right? Then what about the Cleanliness & Sanity of the river?? The purity of the river is been maligned everyday continuously. It is perhaps declared on rank 5 from top, in the list of ‘Most polluted rivers of the world’. Feeling proud yet??

Recent water samples collected in Varanasi revealed fecal-coli-form counts of about 50,000 bacteria per 100 milliliters of water i.e. 10,000% higher than the government standard of safe river bathing!

The major pollution causing elements of Ganges are organic waste, sewage, industry waste, trash, food, human & animal remains. Here, allow me to talk about the Deity disposal (Visarjan) as well as Human-body disposal.

The deities that are offered to the river, after the rituals, keep floating till consumed with water & again during the time-slot they show many ill-shapes (that float up to the river banks at times or are witnessed while on boats & worth mentioning, boats are always wafting over since it is a big tourist-city!) Well, the sculptures are made of frozen soil, so degradable, fine! They dissolve with the river & settle to the base or over the banks with time. But during the procedure, the colors & soil foams keep disturbing the clarity of the river.

The Government has also been framing up laws to ban the same, but till another solution comes up, that is acceptable by the city people (it is too tough to get the Varanasians out of tradition); the practice will go on!

Now, about the ‘Moksha’. It is believed that Human body is composed of five major substances (tatvas) (Earth, Air, Fire, Water, Ether). It is believed that to burn the body (in Hindus particularly), the immortal soul gets moksha, since the ‘tatvas’ get dissolved in their origins.

The burning practice involves procedures to build a bed of wood pyres, place the dead body over it & burn. But these pyres, do not consume the body so well. Many a times, due to rain or impatient practitioners of the ritual; the bodies remain incompletely burnt, that are then disposed to the river directly. Along with the remains of these traditional funerals, there are many who cannot afford a procedural cremation. They simply throw the bodies in Ganga. Many animals/cattle's are also been disposed in the same way. Thus, a large number of partially burnt or un-burnt bodies are floating over the river waves. Can you even imagine the amount of water-pollution this would contribute to??

Every-week, hundreds of corpses burn on the line of wooden pyres. Men covered in soot, bustle about it gathering the still glowing rashes & sweeping them into the river. The gray dust from the burnt woods, mixed with the flower garlands offered & the foam, resurfaces some distance away on the river surface. This time the dust & the debris is witnessed to be intermixed with poly-bags, empty cans & dirty clothes. This is the real view of Ganga at its holiest spot – Varanasi!

Now-a-days the ‘Electronic Cremations’ are available, very much attached to the river banks, to avoid such half-burnt bodies & disgraced disposals. The air-pollution is yet not under a fix, but both of the procedures involve it. So why not adopt the ‘still better’ one!

The worship, rituals & holy-practices, to get connected to God, as it is literary termed; seems to work the other way round. Deity disposals in such gross presentations & Moksha attendance in a filthy manner, doesn't seem to be a very divine practice!

As we term it ‘God’, shall we not decorate the after-works of his prayers? Shall we not demolish his awful Graveyards? Shall we not find better ways of keeping things actually pure?


Understand… Worship is inside. Offering milk over rocks & getting temples mud-slipped, is NOT worship! Pray to a pen & write with it, Pray to a piece of paper and soil in in ground, Pray to nothing & feel relaxed… that is more than enough. And if your practice & religion commands you to worship deities ...make sure you do not disrespect your prayer !!